PHIL: This first slide here shows Madge and Bill standing right there in front of the New York Space Authority building, ready to start our trip. You can tell it was a pretty nice day on account they're not wearing any protective clothing except for goggles and a mask. The old guy got hit by our taxi–that was some wild driver we had–and the kid's playing a trick on him. Cute, hah?

PHIL: Now this here was some lucky shot. I was going to take a picture of Billy there, when this guy steps on the Hijacker Sentinel and pow, huh? What I mean is it really got him good. I asked why it done it and they said it was on account of he looked suspicious and if you study the expression on his face you can see how they got to wondering about him.

PHIL: Well then, after we got settled in our cabin and the ship took off and all, we went up to the observation lounge and I mean they had the place really fixed up swell. No less than sixteen TV sets all going at the same time, each on a different station, of course, and a bar and every kind of a slot machine and game like that you could wish for. Back there through that window you could see the universe out there if you wanted.

PHIL: Just a day out from Mars they announced everybody had to come and see the indoctrination lecture, and I hadn't been looking forward to that. It was something those stiffs at the United Nations had whipped up to teach you all about the Martians' customs and way of life and even their goddamn religion, for Christ's sake. But then I saw it was our social director, Earl, going to do it, and I relaxed right off.

PHIL: Right at the space port they got these weird Martians trying to sell you pots and statues and stuff. Nothing but a lot of junk, if you ask me. Anyhow I was taking a picture of one of them when Billy did this here. It's a good thing those Martians can't talk or this one here would have really given the kid a couple of bad words I bet you.

MADGE: It's not that they can't talk, it's that they've taken an oath of silence. Don't you remember the joke Earl made on that, honey?

PHIL: Right outside our hotel there, they had this wall which goes on practically forever and has all these religious pictures on it, and our guide told us a lot more than I was interested hearing about it. Anyhow it's supposed to be very holy and all like that.

PHIL: The next day we went out on a fishing trip, and here's the baby I come up with. What do you think of that, hah? They asked me did I want it stuffed and that handed me a laugh on account of where would I put it once I got it home, right? I don't think you could get it through the street out there. Then they asked me did I want some of it to eat it and I told them they had to be kidding. I mean who could eat something like that, for Christ's sake, and you could smell it starting to rot. Anyhow, it was something, my catching it, cause there's hardly any of them left.  CLICK.

PHIL: Now this was a really terrific place and the fellow who run it one of the funniest fellows you'd ever care to meet. A really swell souvenir shop and we bought a whole bunch of stuff there. You saw that thing in the bathroom, hah? What'd you think of that? And a whole bunch of other stuff, too.

PHIL: So on the last day of the tour they took us to the Holy City there, which was out in the desert away from the town. There were these Martians at the entrance playing what was supposed to be a song of greeting, our guide told us, but it sounded to me more like a bunch of cats in heat, right, Madge?

PHIL: Speaking of laughing, here's Mr. Parker again. Seemed to me he was always laughing at something or other.

PHIL: Here's Billy, pushing over a whole, entire wall! Hard to believe, isn't it? Boy, that kid really went to town. Oh yeah, and this picture cleared up a little mystery we had all the way on the flight back which was: whatever happened to Mr. Parker, and if you look down at the left-hand corner of the picture there you can see what happened to him.

PHIL: So here's Madge and Billy and we're all leaving the Holy City and Mars and I'm not ashamed to tell you we were a little choked up, You know? And it wasn't just the dust and all, it was knowing we'd probably never live to see Mars again.