DISQUIETING THOUGHTS

By Michael O'Donoghue

WHEN DRIVING A VOLKSWAGEN– Here you are, whizzing along a busy freeway at 60 mph in an automobile built by a country we fought and defeated a scant 25 years ago. BROUGHT THEM TO THEIR KNEES! The scars of war heal slowly, which raises some disturbing questions: Was the family of the mechanic who installs the delicate steering mechanism wiped out in the bombing of Dresden? If so, did he perhaps "forget" a bolt or two, knowing the car was meant for an American market? Or was the wife of someone on the assembly line raped and strangled by Audie Murphy? If so, what parts is he responsible for? ... The brakes, maybe? Needless to say, the above works equally for Karmann-Ghia, Porsche, Mercedes and, by simply substituting "loved ones cremated at Nagasaki," Toyota, Datsun, et cetera. A true paranoid can even make it work for Rolls-Royces!

WHEN FLYING– You know what a goof-off you are at your job ... how you often foul up, kid around, daydream, and generally make a mess of things. You sometimes wonder how, if everybody were like you, anything would ever get done. Well, in reality, everybody is like you ... even the flight controller who's tracking your plane, at this very moment. Or, rather, who should be tracking your plane but the guy who usually does it hasn't come in yet because he's got a terrific migraine headache so another guy is filling in who's kind of new on the job and isn't too familiar with the board but that really doesn't matter since he's not looking at it anyway because he's thinking about a run-in he had with his father-in-law and besides he just dropped a hot cigarette ash on his pants which means he'll have to buy a new suit or get these rewoven which is a hassle and expensive as if he didn't have enough bills what with the broken dishwasher and the cat has to go to the vet because it threw up all over the couch and ...

WHEN ATTENDING A PLAY– Waiting for the curtain to go up, you glance over your program, the houselights dim and ... well, are the houselights really dimming or are you going blind? You won't be sure until the stagelights go up. It seems a bit ridiculous to ask the person next to you if the lights actually dimmed, so you'll just have to sit tight and sweat it out. And what if you went blind at the exact moment the houselights dimmed? How would you know? Would you finally decide that no company is so avant-garde as to give the first half hour of The Gazebo in total darkness? Or would you wait until the intermission, just to make certain? ...

WHEN RIDING THE ELEVATOR– Corruption is everywhere! Everybody's on the take! Nothing oils the machinery like buttering up a greasy palm! And we've all had a hand in paying off somebody: a cop, a judge, a clerk, a housing inspector... somebody. But what about the elevator inspectors? Do they live in 30-room Tudor mansions and drive limousines and send their kids to Groton, all on a salary of $6,500 per? How do they do it? ... By overlooking a few frayed wires or corroded cables, perhaps? If this sounds silly, just consider that everyone has his price and that of elevator inspectors is probably lower than most.

WHEN MOVING INTO A NEW APARTMENT HOUSE– The Mafia is presently turning "black" money into "white" money; that is to say, they're taking money from illicit practices such as dope peddling and the rackets, and investing it in legitimate businesses such as construction! Chances are the very building you're moving into was overseen by Vinnie "Two-Fingers" Antonelli himself! In light of the Mafia's traditional respect for human life, imagine the quality of the materials that went into your building. Picture what the fireproofing between the walls must be, for example. Picture the foundation, made from a low-grade cement used mostly to keep bodies on river bottoms and impervious to everything except sudden temperature changes and rain. Actually, considering what goes into these buildings, it's amazing they stand up as long as they do! Building codes? Well, since "Two-Fingers" is a personal friend of the mayor, one might assume the codes weren't as strict as they could have been....

WHEN DINING OUT– Here you are at a fancy restaurant, about to dig into some haute cuisine. Sure, the food's expensive, but you pull down 20-thou a year and don't mind springing for a big tab. Not just anybody could afford to dine in a fancy restaurant like this ... certainly not the kitchen help who barely earn enough to feed themselves on oatmeal and Spam in their shabby coldwater flats. Is it possible these have-nots might feel some slight resentment toward a big spender such as yourself? If so, how might they vent their bitterness? Surely, the rascals wouldn't do anything disgusting to your food and then have a big laugh behind your back! It's unlikely, but you might do well to carefully examine your chocolate mousse or oysters a l'andalouse before taking that first bite....

WHEN STROLLING THROUGH THE PARK– Most parks have a statue or two, benches, flowers, a cannon, an Honor Roll of WW I and WW II dead, a few winos, and lots and lots of pigeons! Living in the city, one sees thousands of pigeons each day. . . . but have you ever seen a baby pigeon? No? Ask around and you'll soon realize that no one has ever seen a baby pigeon. No one! Not even once! Then, consider this: Perhaps the pigeons you see are the babies. The fully matured pigeons are HUGE with wingspans up to 11 feet, eating whole Buttercorns in a single bite, carrying off Puerto Rican babies in their claws...

WHEN DRIVING– Do you realize that (according to the Allstate Insurance Company): "One of the next 50 drivers coming your way is drunk. Not drinking–drunk." And what about those kids hopped up on goof-balls in stolen cars? You know how many accidents they're supposed to cause! And then there are drivers asleep at the wheel, drivers whose minds are on getting their kid brother a haircut, drivers who harbor an unconscious death wish, epileptic drivers, insecure drivers who speed to bolster their masculinity, legally blind drivers who keep renewing their licenses through outdated motor vehicle laws, or whatever. ... Combine this with all those millions of defective automobiles that Detroit issues each year and the odds against your avoiding a head-on collision with one of the next 50 cars coming your way is about equal to the odds against breaking the bank at Monte Carlo.

WHEN SPENDING A QUIET EVENING AT HOME– Just ask yourself this important question: "Is my color television set properly shielded?" You don't really know, do you? After all, it's not like you're one of those "repair TV sets & earn extra cash in your spare time" types. And if you were one of those "repair TV sets & earn extra cash in your spare time" types, even they don't own Geiger counters. And if you could determine that your set was properly shielded, what about your neighbor's set? Is deadly radiation seeping into your castle"? Is your home bombarded daily with weird ions that are making you sterile , killing your dog and turning your children into sideshow freaks? Probably not! You can dismiss the above as rank alarmism because Ralph Nader had all those defective sets recalled and properly shielded. But what if your neighbor deliberately removed his shield just to get back at you! Have you ever had a fight with your neighbor? And how would you ever know? Well, you might get suspicious when your feet began to glow in the dark, but by then, of course, it would be too late....

WHEN SEEING YOUR FAMILY PHYSICIAN– A little something that may have slipped your mind is that doctors only need to get 70% of the questions right to pass! Wouldn't it be interesting to know if your doctor was an A+ or a C- student? Did he flunk "Heart" or "Liver"? Or did he pull straight A's ... by cheating! Here's a useful rule of thumb to help you judge your doctor's qualifications: "If he were any good, he'd be a specialist!"

WHEN EATING APPLESAUCE OR DRINKING CIDER– It goes without saying that they don't use the very best apples to make applesauce or cider....