Dear Neighbors and Fellow Citizens,

 MY NAME IS JOE

AND I’M RUNNING

    FOR MAYOR  

       

          

JOE

Frankly, I've never run a town before and I'm not sure what it's all about, but I was a Boy Scout leader for two years. We collected $312.50 from a magazine subscription drive last year and I took the whole thing to the bank without borrowing so much as a dime of it for myself. And let me tell you, it would have been real easy. That's more than the fellas at Town Hall would have done under the circumstances. These guys think they can get away with anything, including parking in bus stops!

I intend to campaign on the issues, not on personalities. Don't be fooled! I'm not really running because of my reassessment and the $200 increase it cost me. I'm running because it's time for a change. I'm asking for your support. Vote for Joe from the South Side. I'd appreciate it.

Best regards,

                                  Joe

• “Oh, I like Joe fine.”

Mrs. Flo Reiger.

• “He’s got  the biggest TV antenna on the block, but do you hear him brag about it? Not Joe.”

Fred Wilkins.

• “He's the kind of guy who'll just put a lawn chair out on his driveway and have a beer, and if you want to come over and join him, that's okay.”

 Bud Asquith.

• “As far as I know, Joe doesn't have any bad habits.”

    J. Miller.

• “ Joe has a great sense of humor. A lot of his jokes are classics. He can be hilarious.”

    Dorothy Evans.

• “I always told Joe that he bad the human compassion to be a doctor. If he was a doctor, I would go to him.”

                                              Larry Lester.

   JOE KEEP HIS PROMISES

      IF ELECTED, I PROMISE I WILL:

•  

• Stop letting our dog, Bomber, loose after your kids.

• Speak to my son Chick and see if I can't get him to accept the idea of a muffler on his motorbike.

• Try to get my lovely wife, Thelma, to stop talking about you all the way she does.

• Be at Town Hall every day at 8:00 and, except for 30 minutes for lunch, not leave until 5:00.

• Answer your calls and talk as long as time permits.

•  

JOE TALKS ABOUT THE ISSUES

Taxes Are Too High In the Boy Scouts, if we had no dough, we just cut out a camping trip or two. That's the way I'll run this town.

Rusty Tap Water What a pain in the neck! I'll see what I can do!

Silverfish Where do they come from anyway? I'm against them.

Senior Citizens Elderly people need a separate line at the supermarkets, where they can count their change and complain about the produce at their leisure.

Sanitation If the trash collectors can take the lids off the cans, they can sure as heck put them back on.

There are more of us South Siders than you North Siders. You have your one-acre zoning over there to thank for that. You have your Mercedeses and Cadillacs and Volvos. You think that just because you can afford Lawn-0-Mat and cleaning ladies from downtown that you should run Town Hall, too. Well, we South Siders don't have many Volvos, but we've got the best lawn ornaments, and my neighbor next door has a fabulous collection of Hummel figurines right in her bay window for everyone to enjoy. We’re just as good as the North Siders, and if I'm elected, we'll have citywide government.

The Other Candidate I have nothing against my opponent except that he used up all the good trees and telephone poles for his campaign posters. If he wants to violate Toys 'R' Us company policy forbidding political messages on their community bulletin board, that's his business. Furthermore, I have instructed my campaign staff not to let the air out of the tires of cars bearing my opponent's bumper stickers or roof signs, and I am strongly opposed to throwing toilet paper all over political opponents’ trees, because I know how long that takes to clean up.

Mayoral debate will be happy to participate in a debate on any night except Tuesday or Saturday, at his place or mine. If it's at my place, I have to give my wife a couple of days notice so she can round up some extra chairs and borrow her mother's coffee urn.

Joe's Proposals

Lift the ban on burning leaves -Everybody misses the smell, and those plastic bags cost dough.

No early-morning meter readings-Most of the gals in town don't appreciate having their meters read while they're in their housecoats and the kitchen's still a mess from breakfast.

Bring back paper boys-News-agency truck deliveries have taken jobs away from the young, and when a paper goes in the bushes or a puddle there's no one to personally bawl out for it.

Encouragement to businesses-We need to attract new businesses, specifically a car wash and an inexpensive family restaurant like The Sizzler or a Red Lobster.

Joe the Person

Joe and his family enjoy a favorite holiday.

Occupation: Bus driver, Regional Transportation Authority, 17 years.

Height: 5' 10"

Weight: 180-185

Health: Excellent

Religion: Presbyterian

Educational Background: Robert Anson Technical High School, 4 years; US Naval Training Center, Great Lakes, Illinois, 3 months; American Truck and Transport Driving School, 6 weeks; Tri-Valley Junior College Continuing Education Program, Tax Preparation course, 4 weeks.

Family: Wife, Thelma, 41 years, married 22 years; daughter, Carla, 16 years; son, Charles (Chick), 13 years; son, Daniel Edward, 8 years.

Military Service: US Navy, 3 years, honorable discharge.

Awards and Honors: RTA Driver of the Month (11 times in 17 years); Honorary Chairman, St. Ignatius Hospital Blood Donor Drive; Neighborhood Improvement Award, Hammermill Century 21 Realty; 1973 Intercity Softball Championship Team member.

Endorsements: Area Council Indian Guides; South Side Shopper’s Mall Weekly; Walker Bros. Roof and Siding; The Saturday Afternoon Club; Dr. Arthur Brubaker, DDS.

Joe puts in a

little time  on

his '72 Nova

Joe takes his campaign to the people

PAID FOR BY JOE OUT OF HIS OWN POCKET. Contributions will be accepted, and also if you want to put one of my signs in your window, give me a buzz, I'll have Chick run one over. The number's in the book.