Kids


		"Donny"	Distinguishing Characteristics: Tall, thin, and dumb. Father cuts hair so it’s always uneven. Chapped lips, dirty fingernails, green teeth. Older than the kids he hangs around with. Wears sneakers year-round. Never wears a hat in winter. Wears a cross around his neck. Mother buys pants too big so he can wear them for two years. Good Points: Burns insects, hammers mice, and isn’t afraid to inspect the underside of a dead animal. Always has lots of candy, firecrackers, and gunpowder. Owns a pellet gun. Puts lighter fluid on his hand and ignites it. Has a whole box of pictures of nude women. Neatest basement in the world. Bad Points: Smells terrible. Your parents don’t like him. He can’t be trusted around your dog or cat. Police know who he is. You hate to sleep over because his dad wears an undershirt around the house; you can’t be sure the bed sheets are clean; his room used to be the attic; and his food isn’t like the food at your house.
		"Bessie"	Distinguishing Characteristics: She’s bigger than anybody in the class. She's real white, even in the summer. Hair on lip, arms, and legs. Wears sneakers with dresses. Bigger arm muscles than you. Good at sports. Carries a knife in her bike bag. Writes on her hands with ink. Keeps her milk money in her mouth. Good Points: She can throw a curve. She always has cigarettes. She’ll let you ride her bike anytime you want. She'll help you cheat in school. Her dad is your Little League coach. She doesn’t like girls. Bad Points: You can’t hit her back. Your dad gets mad at you because you play with girls. She always wants to see “yours.” She can’t climb very well. She picks her nose, smells her own armpits, licks her arm and smells it, and opens her mouth when she’s eating and shows you her chewed-up food.
		"Rich"	Distinguishing Characteristics: Scars on head, lip, above both eyes, hands, leg. Short hair, chipped front tooth, scabs on elbow, knees, and chin. Wears T-shirts all the time, even in the winter. Often wears a cast, which is cracked and dirty from hitting people. Bites fingernails and spits clippings at people. Good Points: He protects you from other bullies. Will jump from any height, steal, eat, or break anything. Can always sleep over. He has eight brothers and sisters, so you can do anything at his house and not get in trouble. When you're with him people are nice to you. You can go into rival neighborhoods with him and not get hurt. His team always wins. Bad Points: He can turn on you at any moment and beat you up. He can force you to do things you don’t want to do, like steal from your mom’s purse or go all the way inside the girl’s bathroom. Socks you in the balls if he likes you. Enjoys giving Indian rope burns, Dutch rubs, and face farts.
		"Gary"	Distinguishing Characteristics: Gap between front teeth, brown hair, eyelashes like a girl, and lots of moles including one near his weenie, which is tiny, and if you make fun of it, he'll beat you up. He buys his clothes at a grownup store in the short, fat men’s section. Heels of his shoes are worn off at the sides because he waddles. He eats anything. Good Points: Good food at his house. Does the best cannonballs at the pool. Can fart at any time. Real neat mom who will drive you anyplace. Lots of good toys. Fat, but normal. Knows many, many jokes. Bad Points: If he rides your bike he wrecks the rims and bends the seat back. Won’t split food or candy with anyone. Attracts tough gangs of high school kids who want to tease him. Real slow, holds you up, has to sit on the aisle at the movies. If he’s on your team in a game or sport, you’ll lose.
		"Hillary"	Distinguishing Characteristics: Arms and legs make up 80 percent of body weight, which never exceeds forty-eight pounds. Freckles on face and lips. Expensive, slightly out-of-date clothing. Never wears sneakers because they “ruin your arches.” In winter she has a matching hat, mitten, and muff set. Fur collar coat. Has pencils from New York toy store with her name on them. Calls parents “Mummy and Daddy”" and grandparents “Bumpy and Nona.” Good Points: Easy to scare; has many good things to wreck and steal. Great lunches that you can have if you just ask. Real money in her little red purse. Parents have a complete other home in Florida, and if you’re her friend you can go there at Easter, for free, air fare included. Bad Points: Cries when she sleeps over, will not do dangerous, noisy, or bad things no matter how much fun they are. Has stupid-looking foreign bike. Won't go outside if it's too cold or too hot. You always have to play at her house.
		"Paul"	Distinguishing Characteristics: He always has a plug of Kleenex up his nose, which bleeds frequently, even when not punched. Eats and enjoys Pop Tarts. Carries a balanced meal in his lunch box. Waits until all the other boys are out of the bathroom before he will go. Blue veins on forehead and wrists. Good Points: He’s easy to choke, he’s slow so he’s easy to tackle, and he’s as easy to make cry as your sister. He’s too afraid of you to tell on you. Good BB gun, slingshot, wrist-rocket, crab apple, dirtball, snowball, rock and rubber band, and paper clip target. Bad Points: His dink is too small to yank when you wrestle him. He’s easy to cripple and kill by accident. Never has anything good to steal. Always smells like vegetable soup. When you're alone with him, he makes you feel sad because he's so pathetic and scared. His mother will call the cops on you. Teachers like him.