Deep Thoughts

 Jack Handey

It’s not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside–and the kid could put it on and really scare you.

I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they’d still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn’t eat so much.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.”

He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke.

I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he’s real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, “What was that?!”

If you’re in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy’s glove touch your lips, because you don’t know where that glove has been.

I remember that fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. “You don’t have to tell me,” I said. “I’m off the team, aren’t I ?”    “Well,” said Coach, “you never were really on the team. You made that uniform you’re wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times.”

It was all true what be was saying. And yet, I thought, something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that’s when I felt the handcuffs go on.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming,

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we’d all pile into the car–I forget what kind it was–and drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called “Dad.” We’d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

Blow ye winds,

Like the trumpet blows;

But without that noise.

I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle Cave Man because be lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his bead out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”

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