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Broadway Pickup (Walk down any city street until you come upon a closed newsstand. Knock on the little door.) YOU: Nancy! Nancy! Yulnova Trienkof just fell down an elevator shaft and twisted her ankle. YOU have to go on in her place. And we open in five minutes! We know you can do it, Nance. Oh, by the way, that Farrell character wants to marry you after the show. Pat and I are getting hitched up, too, so maybe we can all get married together. Now get out there and give it all you got.
LINDLEY. LINDLEY. I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME, LINDLEY. YOU HAVE THE MORALS OF AN ALLEY CAT, AND BEFORE I’M THROUGH YOU’RE GOING TO BE ANSWERING FOR EVERY DEFECTIVE ALTIMETER YOU’VE SOLD TO THE DEFENSE DEPARTMENT FOR THEIR NEW F-111’s. YOU’VE GOT A LOT TO ANSWER FOR, LINDLEY.
MOTHER. CAN YOU HEAR ME, MOTHER? WE’RE GOING TO LOWER DOWN A MOUSE TO SEE HOW MUCH AIR YOU HAVE LEFT. DON’T BE AFRAID OF THE MOUSE, MOTHER. (Exit.) THE END
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The Locks to the Kingdom (Production Notes: The ideal setting would be a bake sale held in the basement of a Methodist church. Gain impact by affecting a strange and unsavory accent, perhaps combined with an outré costume-the weirder the better.) YOU: You have only one god. We have three hundred and thirty millions. Our gods have blue skin and ride Peacocks. They have costly jewels embedded in their teeth. To honor them, holy men fasten living serpents to their flesh. There are those who place seeds in their mouths and remain motionless until the seeds sprout: With my own eyes, I have seen a man who has rolled upon the ground for nine years. (Hesitate, as if there were more to be said ... much more ... then abruptly wheel and exit.) THE END
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