Unfortunately, fear of agonizing pain in Natural Childbirth has been perpetuated by the old wives' tales handed down from generation to generation–usually by women who have been through it. But who are YOU going to listen to: the world's leading gynecologists and obstetricians or a lot of ignorant, ill-informed mothers? If you can't stand a little natural pain and blood, then go ahead, have a commercial birth.

Real Natural Childbirth is always done at home. To avoid a last minute cop-out, disconnect your phone, empty your gas tank, and tear up any maps with hospitals on them. To perform Natural Childbirth at home successfully, you only need practice these few simple exercises:

Purpose: To know how you will sound to yourself when you're in agony.

A) You don't have to set aside a special time for this. In the course of your daily routine (shopping, riding on a bus, visiting friends, driving, etc.) just scream as long and loud as you can.

B) Alternate long, shrill screams with low, chesty groans. Vary with brief, high-pitched shrieks.

C) Start some screams loud and let them die out (e.g., as though you were passing out). Start others softly and let them build (e.g., as though the pain was getting worse and worse).

Purpose: To strengthen gums and jaw muscles for the birth.

A) Since you will not always know when the labor or other pains are going to strike, have your husband try and catch you off guard and punch you in the small of the back, strike a sharp object against your shin, or give your hair a short, sharp jerk.

B) Slowly dip your hand into boiling tiger's milk. Begin gnash with a slow circular motion and build your intensity 'til you can hear your teeth grinding.

C) Bite your tongue and let it heal. Repeat at each exercise period. By the time your baby is born, your tongue will have a tough, protective layer of sear tissue. During the last weeks of pregnancy, urinating and bowel movements change considerably, so try to practice each at least twice a week.

As far as sterilization for the birth is concerned, it certainly is hard to grow up in our society without having a thing about germs. While common sense will tell you to remove the dinner dishes from the birth area, there is really nothing more natural than bacteria and viruses. Recent tests have shown that commercial disinfectants can cause hepatitis and cancer in bacteria and sometimes kill them outright. So keep away from them, unless you want your child starting its life in an antiseptic atmosphere.

The husband's role in Natural Childbirth is very important. It is up to him to keep his wife from taking any pain killers or calling a hospital. Many husbands have asked "What does it feel like to have a baby?" The most accurate analogy for a man would be the feeling he would have if a grapefruit were passing through his rectum. A nearby fruit store and a couple of strong friends will help you feel a lot closer to your wife.

When the critical moment of birth comes, help your wife into a comfortable squatting position under the dining room table. The table will prevent her from getting up and walking over to a bed at the last minute. As the baby's large head passes through the mother's narrow vaginal canal, she may let out a brief, shrill shriek. Women falsely attribute this scream to the pain of tearing flesh. Doctors have confirmed that it is the cry of joy at the birth.

As you know, the first thing a commercial doctor does is slap the newborn to start it breathing. DO NOT SLAP YOUR BABY. TALK TO IT. Make it WANT to breathe. It will when it feels ready. There is nothing you can't get a child to do with love and understanding.

Don't cut the umbilical cord unless you are the pushy, know-it-all type of parent who is going to make all the decisions for your child. The natural thing to do is to leave it on and let your child decide when SHE wants to get rid of it. After all, it is HER cord, isn't it? If you can't resist the temptation to cut the cord, do it with a fish head (bluefish have the sharpest teeth). Put your fingers in the upper and lower jaws and chomp on the cord until it breaks–usually two or three bites.

Before you go tying a knot in the umbilical stump, remember that most people have seen innsy and outsy navels 'til they're ready to scream, so use your imagination.

The placenta offers another chance for you to use your creative talents. For example, you can use it to commemorate the birthplace (the actual spot where the child was born) or as a conversation piece at the center of your dinner table. Placed in a vase with some warm, salty water, it will really blossom. Your child will get a kick out of it as he grows up. ("You mean that's ME!?")