Old Age

     Preparation Kit

Today, when young people gaze upon the prospect of their declining years, it is often with considerable apprehension. Instead of looking forward to a golden age when youthful uncertainty is past, when wisdom and experience have at last combined into a relaxed worldliness, a rosy calm, and a secure, rock-steady philosophy about life, they envision instead a time of declining faculties, decreasing pleasures, and difficult moments.

But is this really the case? Fortunately–modern scientific research has revealed that it need not be at all. Indeed, under the formidable onslaught of recently developed methodology, myths about the aging process have been crumbling faster than the skin that supposedly begins to wrinkle by 35! From laboratories and hospitals, from old age homes and nursing institutions, from cold winter park benches to rocking-chair parlors in Miami Beach, the clarion truth is emerging: While it may not be entirely accurate to say that life begins at 80, it certainly need not effectively end there–nor even at 90, 100, or 110!

Unfortunately, however, the old wives' tales about old wives (as well as old widows, old widowers, and old husbands) have done a great disservice to both the old and the young. To the old because, having been so conditioned by society to expect these self-fulfilling myths to happen to them, many senior citizens needlessly make their declining years even more sexless, unenergetic, painful, crotchety, and depressing. And many young people, so fearful of growing old, spend so much of their precious time worrying about the prospect that they fail to enjoy what few years of youth and full bodily function they do have.

Therefore, as a public service, leading medical doctors and gerontologists have created the following "Old Age Preparation Kit" a series of scientifically valid demonstrations that will prove to you how very little you have to fear!

By following the simple instructions, you will actually be able–right here and now–to experience for yourself the entire gamut of so-called "rigors" of old age. As you try each experiment, you will see more clearly than any research report could tell you just how bearable the whole aging process really is, and how much its "terrors" have been exaggerated.

So do take a moment now to read the following pages carefully and do what is suggested. You will discover that you have more than you may think to look forward to when your hormone levels begin to drop, your brain cells thin out like your hair, your skin drips like a burning candle, your bones get brittle, your shoulders stoop, your nose droops, your knees rattle, your joints ache, your voice cracks, your glasses thicken, your arms shorten, your belly widens, and people start talking to you like schoolteachers.

While it is true that some men and women do experience a slight decline in visual function as the years progress, it is equally true that, in almost every case, this proves to be little more than the merest of annoyances. To show you what you as a typical individual can expect, we have reprinted an interesting little story below (with permission from Senior Digest). Simply read and enjoy the story as you normally would–and as you read, you may notice slight changes in the way the type looks. It has been carefully engineered to appear to you now just the way it will at the stages of your life indicated in the corresponding margins. Remember: Do not at any time move your eyes closer to the page!

 

Grandpa and Grandma

 

See Grandpa. See Grandma. See Grandma and Grandpa on their porch. See Grandma and Grandpa rock back and forth on their porch.

Rock, Grandpa, rock. Rock,

Grandma, rock. See how well they can move!

See Grandpa turn to Grandma. See Grandpa say, "Nice day, eh, Mum?"

See Grandma say, "What?"

See Grandpa say, "Who?"

See Grandma say, "What?"

See Janie come up to Grandma and Grandpa. See Janie in her pretty halter and short skirt. Janie is their grand-

daughter.

See Janie smile. Janie has such a pretty smile. Janie is only 21 years old.

See Janie say, "Howdy, Grandma! Howdy, Grandpa!"

See Grandpa say, "Who?"

See Grandma say, "What?"

See Janie say, "I have invited my true love over to meet you.

He will be here soon. Oh, we are so young and so happy!"

See grandpa and Grandma say, "Go f**k yourself you no good young whore, why don't you go peddle your young ass by the docks, where you and all you young trollops belong."

 

It is said that "music soothes the savage beast," and, in truth, there is nothing like the pleasures of good music to bring comfort to the soul and help you through the minor trials of your advancing years. And, fortunately, nature has complied admirably in this regard by having the sense of hearing suffer only the mildest deterioration as age advances.

To experience now the satisfyingly rich and full sound that awaits you (especially with tomorrow's superpowered multichannel home systems!), simply do the following. Turn your present stereo on, play your favorite music in the world, and gently settle back in your favorite listening chair. As you move down the list below (and so effectively , "move up" in hearing age), simply make the indicated adjustments on your set. Remember: At no time can you move your listening position closer!

Thru 25

Keep all controls as you have them now.

25-35

Reduce treble control slightly.

35-45

Reduce treble control to half.

45-55

Reduce volume slightly, turn treble control to minimum, reduce bass control slightly.

55-65

Reduce volume to half, keep treble control at minimum, turn bass control to minimum, press "mono" button.

65-75

Turn every knob all the way down.

Pull plug.

 

Modern research has shown that sex, fortunately, is one of the bodily functions that does not fail quite as rapidly as one or two others. Therefore, it is often possible for both men and women to enjoy a surprisingly satisfactory sex life far into their later years, often not noticing any significant decline in pleasure or responsiveness until age 20 or even 25.

However, for those who are curious as to what their erotic sensations will be like during their "inclining years," the following simple demonstrations–all using common items you probably have in your bedroom right now–will show you.

Men

 

Do nothing. Have sex just the way you have it now.

25-35

Have sex the way you have it now, but wear one condom.

Wear two condoms.

45-50

Wear three condoms.

50-55

Wear three condoms plus one thick wool sweatsock and put electrical tape over your lips.

Wear three condoms plus two thick wool sweatsocks.

60-65

Wear six condoms plus four thick wool sweatsocks plus your pants.

65-70

Wear twelve condoms plus ten thick wool sweatsocks plus a two-pants suit plus an athletic supporter plus a fur parka plus a Santa Claus outfit.

Over 70

Do it over the telephone.

 

Women

 

Do nothing. Have sex just the way you have it now.

Have sex the way you have it now, but wear one diaphragm.

Wear two diaphragms and put electrical tape over your lips.

Wear four diaphragms plus your panties plus your old prom dress with five petticoats plus a catcher's mask over your chest.

Do it by mail.

 

 

Unfortunately, there is a minimum of truth to the common notion that, as the human body grows older, it becomes less efficient in performing a variety of functions, including moving. However, as with most so-called "problems" of the so-called "aging process," this typically proves to be more annoying than totally incapacitating.

How much of a challenge will the thousands of simple tasks of daily living present to you as you enter your "stiff years?" The following simple demonstrations–presented as a cross-section of the mundane activities, which fill your days–will give you a precise idea.

Thru 25

Climb stairs the way you do now.

25-40

Run in place twenty seconds, then climb stairs.

Run in place sixty seconds, then climb stairs.

Climb stairs, then climb stairs.

Climb stairs four times, then climb stairs.

Climb stairs 100 times, then climb stairs.

 

Eat the way you do now.

Attach five-ounce fishing sinker to fork.

Attach ten-ounce fishing sinker to fork.

Attach two-pound fishing sinker to fork.

Attach boat anchor to fork.

Attach house to fork.

 

Walk across room the way you do now.

25-40

Walk across room, then walk across room.

Hop on one foot.

Put on snowshoes, then walk across room.

Fill room up with crumpled newspapers.

Fill room up with water.

Fill room up with Jell-O.

Fill room up with steel.

 

Old age, it has been claimed, is what all S&M lovers wait for. However, new evidence has shown that your later years will quite often be less than excruciatingly painful. While it is true that, as time passes, little aches and pains may accumulate here and there, it is also true that these little extra stings, tiny sharp pains, dull pains, floating pains, tingling pains, head pains, foot pains, hand pains, toe pains, chin pains, ear pains, stomach pains, nose pains, leg pains, neck pains, etc., need not bother you any more than, say, hitting your thumb sharply with a sledgehammer.

What will a typical day feel like for you as your tomorrows relentlessly pile up? The following demonstration–based on the most typical old age event, chair-sitting–was created with the aid of leading paintologists from America's finest universities and pharmaceutical corporations.

Sit in the chair as you normally would.

Bend all your joints-wrists, elbows, etc., back a bit.

Bend all your joints way, way back.

Bend all your joints back until it's absolutely impossible to make them go even a tiny bit further.

Do 10,000 sit-ups, 10,000 push ups, 10,000 chin-ups, 10,000 backbends, 10,000 kneebends and 10,000 jumping jacks in a row.

 

The following demonstration will show you precisely how much you can expect your memory to "slip" as the years advance. To experience what an "older" memory is like, simply read the paragraph given under each age group and then see how much trouble you have remembering what you've read by trying to answer the question that follows. The amount of difficulty you experience has been carefully calculated to match the difficulty you will have remembering your name when you reach the indicated age. Remember: Read each paragraph only once!

There was a man name George. George was the man's name because both his parents liked the name George and decided that their son George should be named George, and having chosen George, they went ahead and gave George the name of George–and even George himself was glad that he had been named George!

Question: What was the man's name?

An American named Arnold met a Frenchman named Marcel. Arnold and Marcel became friends, and when he went on a trip to France, Arnold took time out to visit Marcel.

Question: What was the American's name?

Three brothers were named Steve, Sam and Fred. One day, Steve, Sam and Fred formed a business partnership to sell butter.

Question: What were two of the brothers' names?

"I will now read off the grades on the last exam, Mr. Johnson informed his hushed class. "Bobby, B; Charles, B; Susan, D; Dianne, B; Marty, A; Jerry, C; Ellen, F; Virgil, C; Joe, C; Dave, D; and Conrad, B."

Question: What was the name of the student who got the A?

"For convenience," Scientist Jones said, "we shall name these molecules according to their diatomic numbers. The steel molecule we shall call .3067, the iron molecule we shall call .0942, and the oxide molecule we shall call .1376."

Question: What was the name of the steel molecule?

"For convenience," Scientist Smith said, "we shall name these light rays according to the value of their spectral frequency lines. The red we shall call .00006574, the green .0075432, the pink .000064533, the orange .0000000067258, the blue .008765, the white .00008976, and the green .0000067777."

Question: What was the name of the blue?

"For convenience," Scientist Dodson said, "we shall name these somewhat similar compounds by a factor consisting of their molecular weights multiplied by the tangents of their resonance ratios divided by pi.Thus, the beryllium trioxichatoanidetropophyll we shall call .8888888675432-3450987, the beryllium trioxichatomeminideophyll .8888888W32345678987605467, the beryllium trioxichatomoiumtonellphyll .88888788888865432345654, the beryllium trioxchonidantedetropophyll .888888654,34765554322222222, the beryllium trioxichatonominopropaneophyll .88888868888886754488765, the beryllium trioximochonidantedetropophyll .8888888888888885678776543, the beryllium trioxchondatetopropoonyphyll .88888888867543234898765432987, the beryllium triochonidantedetponoplyphyll.888888865438765-9888876, and the beryllium triochondatiphyllonideophyll.8888888888765467898654488."

Question: What was the name of the beryllium trioxichatonominopropaneophyll?

 

 

Our final demonstration will show you how you can expect the people you know–most of whom, of course, will be younger than you–to talk to you during your later years. For this demonstration, you will need the services of another individual. Simply ask him or her to stand in front of you, look at you a bit quizzically, and then read from the script below, being careful to follow the "stage directions" as given.

Friend (low voice):

"Come on, cheer up, will ya!"

Friend (moderate voice):

"Must you say things like that!"

Friend (loud voice):

"All right, I heard you the first three times!"

Friend (very loud voice):

"I said, 'My, you are looking well today! My, you are looking well today!"

Friend (as loud as possible):

"I said, 'I have to go now, I've been here a full five minutes! I have to go now, I've been here a full five minutes! I have to go now, I've been here a full five minutes! Do you want me to call the nurse for you before I go? Do you want me to call the nurse for you before I go? Do you want me to call the nurse for you before I go? See you next year, 'bye! See you next year, 'bye! See you next year, 'bye! "