PERSONALS

BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMAN, INTELLIGENT, WEALTHY, AND VIVACI-wait, hold on a second, I am beautiful and young and intelligent and wealthy and vivacious –so why the hell do I need to advertise to get a date? Please send me a full refund immediately 

NOT A PERVERT Handsome pastor, young looking 54, seeks scantily dressed woman or women to strop-shave teddy bears and spoon-feed scrambled eggs to grateful dogs while I sit in a nearby wicker chair and fondle my paunch. Box 634U.

 WHAT HAPPENED TO THOSE 50 POUNDS DOLLY PARTON LOST? I'd love to take them out for dinner and a drink and get to know them better. Box 862R.

 WHY BOTHER WITH ALL THE STANDARD DECEPTIONS? Young Jewish girl wants to marry a doctor or lawyer or successful businessman so that she can spend his money and eat ice cream till she gets fat. Box 927E.

 DO YOU ENJOY A COZY SKI LODGE IN THE WINTER AND A PRIVATE BEACH IN THE SUMMER? How about a beach house in the Caribbean? Do you have these places available, as well as a good supply of spending money to really make them fun? If so I'll be happy to marry you at your earliest convenience. Box 395B.

 SINGLE, ATTRACTIVE WOMAN who's read all the self-help books and watches Oprah and knows what's best for her but has to have just one more relationship with a narcissistic, flashy, two-timing, selfish Peter Pan who she knows is her ruination and it will take hundreds of hours on the phone to recover from, but she can't resist because of her incredibly self-destructive tendencies. Box 620J.

 SHORT, CHUBBY, FROSTY-HAIRED loudmouthed gum-snapping ill-tempered trashy tart who wears cheap tight clothing and too much makeup and can't shut up seeks guy with a hairy chest and a nice car for dates, possible petting. Box 815W.

 OLD-FASHIONED GUY, 34, wants to find a gal who's as traditional as I am, who'd appreciate my old-fashioned values, my insistence that a hot meal be waiting for me when I get home, my gambling, my beer gut, the dirty magazines in my took shed, my rudeness to your parents, my penchant for domestic violence, my drunken debacles at go-go bars, my disparaging public comments about your postnatal breasts, my bigotry, and my utter disregard for your fulfillment sexual or social. Serious replies only. Box 349G.

 NEBBISH MILQUETOAST, 32, seeks domineering, ornery mother figure to boss, bully, and nag me. I want a life of beach walks and fireside snuggling and crisp autumn afternoons followed by harsh reprovals and stern reminders to mow the lawn, pick up my laundry, and be a breadwinner like my brother Harry. Please send photo, phone, chore list to Box 128D.

 SWF, 28, EXCELLENT FIGURE if you have unusual tastes, seeks Vic Tayback look-alike with a well-done braunschweiger in his Hanes. I like Monet and I hate the Steelers and I adore the smell of tires burning and hot mussel gumbo and I think the chicken came long before the egg. Right now I'm summering in Dominica and Edith Piaf is blaring on my Walkman and my little trinket is getting all viscous imagining what it would be like if we were alone in a moonlit orchard, drinking wine and reading the Sunday Times, and you were worming a Tensor lamp into my love-famished uterine channel. Oh, please write, oh God, please, please. Box 497Y.

 TALL, HANDSOME, DISCREET GWM professional, 31, seeks brown-haired, brown-eyed, well-groomed mouse, 6-30 months, for intimate tryst. No gerbils. Box 859W.

 THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS: flirting with strangers (waiters/ tradesmen with conspicuous bulges preferred) in front of your friends; spending money you don't have on my friends and then humiliating you for not having it; decreeing that because of my allergies you have to get rid of your pet; showing up stinking drunk and giggling at funerals for members of your family; and being constantly bitchy and cruel to you. And you know what? I'll get away with it all because I'm a beautiful woman with a great body, and you'd sell your soul to a bungalow full of Adolf Eichmanns if it meant keeping me around one more day. Box 469B for the photo that'll hook you.

 SWM, 5 looks 6½, seeks playmates 4½ to 6, nonsmokers, nondrinkers, for fun, good times, staying up late, more. I like freeze tag, Froot Loops, Saturday morning cartoons, Ranger Rick, pizza, bike riding, live puppies, and dead frogs. Box 342U. No Santa freaks, Smurfs, or cooties.

 DIVORCED WOMAN, 53, seeks male, 48-58, religion unimportant, for good times, dinners, possible marriage. I may have age spots like York Peppermint Patties and I may be crabby with blubber-distended flesh and wear perfume which on me smells like linseed oil, but I get a humongous alimony payment every week and I got the house with a pool and the Jaguar and for God's sake I must have a dozen tits between the real ones and the little dumplings of fat squeezed out of my armpit by my bra strap and my belly rolls, but if you're not a tit man you can pretend they're butt cheeks. Box 539J.

 SWM, small apartment, boring job, crummy car, in the part of the Venn diagram where I have both zits and a paunch, both freedom and the poverty to dampen my enjoyment of the freedom, seeks one of two things: a woman to rise like a phoenix from the pages of the 1989 Playmate Calendar and love me tender, or a UFO full of friendly aliens to seize me and take me back to their glorious, deathless kingdom where they have incredible food, uninsultable machines to provide sensual pleasure, and year-round televised football. Best offer, Box 390Y

 IS THIS YOU? Your belly is bigger than your tits, you drink too much, you have a dull job and a lousy apartment, and you're 37 and not getting any younger. Sure, I'm no Warren Beatty, but I'm about the best you can hope for at this point, so why not write me with photo and phone. Box 333Y

 DUMPY, STOOP-SHOULDERED, UGLY, UNEMPLOYED SWM seeks very handsome, elegant couple in their late 30s to go to my 20th class reunion, the man as me and the woman as his adoring, sexually fulfilled wife, to show them all –Peggy Jo Edwards in particular–how very wrong they were. Generous remuneration. Box 430G.

 TOTAL HUNK, 26, 3 pct. body fat, 75 min. aerobic work 6X wkly, free wts. /Nautilus 3X wkly and I practically need a jog bra to contain my pecs, seeks consummate twinkie with compatible target heart rate, vapid from aerobic work, wears thru 5 prs. Reeboks per yr., 8 pct. or less body fat a must, sweats heavily but odorlessly in airtight unitard. Box 27L.

 27-YEAR-OLD GEORGETOWN LAW GRAD with imminent political career seeks wife to solidity his public image and bear his photogenic, loyal children. Your father must be an Exercycler with a heritage so white you have to wear a welder's mask to look directly at it, and your mother a spackle-snatched, jab-ribbed, skull-cheeked, wretched little sparrow on whom a mastectomy wouldn't show, so I can know that at 55, in the halcyon of my career, you will be as lucid and presentable as your mother, politically correct, and not an embarrassment like Barbara is to George. Box 319T

 SWM seeks to meet a woman for whirlwind romance, picture-book wedding, and glorious honeymoon, followed by the birth of a sleepy, cranky, colicky child who is a mew 'n' poo-poo factory, whose mustard-smear Pampers will have to be sacked and airlifted twice a day to the Jersey swamplands, who'll flatten and distend my wife's bathing-suit parts and leave us with raccoon rings of sleeplessness and also make us see more of our meddling in-laws and give up my wife's income and never go out to dinner again or go on vacation and spend every penny I earn at Toys "R" Us and sacrifice my den to homo-colored wallpaper with teddy bears and for it all receive no gratitude, just scorn and impending tuition and - come to think of it, can I cancel this ad, or change it to "SWM seeks sterile woman or clean homo for possible friendship, golf outings"? Box 438V

 FRENCHMEN, all ages and scents, seek wealthy American women who will be taken in by our accents. Box 436V

 SLEEK, HANDSOME, WORLDLY torn tabby, tired of running wild, ready to settle down, seeks pretty, fluffy, unspayed calico or tiger stripe for quiet eves curled up on the radio or couch. Residential only; cat door a must. Box 439U.

 GENTLEMEN & LADIES, I will sensuously floss your teeth and poultice your gum lines and clean and clip your toenails and excise any unwanted freckles, boils, or goiters, all in humble exchange for your undivided attention as I speak just a few words to you about our fine new Amway sink-cleanser product line. Box 763T

SWF, 23, presently fairly attractive, intelligent and industrious, seeks tall, successful, not-too-goofy-looking yuppie to suck dry like a leech. Agree to work until marriage, when I will start a useless, boredom-line existence as a tranquilizer-infested talk show/soap opera junkie who occasionally takes ridiculously meaningless graduate-level sociology courses. I promise not to nag as long as I don't have to have children, cook, or clean, and I can retain my own credit cards and choice of the 16-year-old boys who come to mow the lawn. Box 427A.

 WANTED: GAL PAL to share long nights of lovemaking and long quiet Sunday afternoons; who won't mess up my house and won't abuse my credit cards; who doesn't spend all day running up my phone bill while simultaneously dominating the TV set with her stupid shows; who doesn't mind me spending time with my friends; who won't complain when I spend all day watching sports; who doesn't mind a bit of a paunch on a man, and won't gripe about my wholesale ingestion of hoagies and beer. Box 647H. Formaldehyde okay.

 SWF seeks to meet a man, age and appearance unimportant, who works at a candy or confection company and gets loads of free samples. Box 287K.