Our peri-operative nurses phone patients on the afternoon before their scheduled outpatient surgery. Reading from a printed form, they provide these patients with pre-operative instructions including diet or NPO status, clothing to wear, test results to bring, when to arrive and where to check in. It seems to be a foolproof system, but as they say, whenever you design a better system, nature designs a better fool. Since no patient would deliberately ignore our pre-op instructions, we must assume that some sort of technical glitch occurs with the phone lines. So instead of the pre-printed, rehearsed script we say over the phones, the following is what our patients actually hear:

 Diet and NPO Instructions

 Surgery can be a stressful experience. It is necessary that you prepare your body for this experience by providing the necessary fuel. We suggest that on the way into the hospital you stop and have a hearty breakfast. Steak and eggs, hash browns, biscuits and gravy, at least two cups of coffee and a large orange juice should see you through your surgical experience.

If your child is scheduled for surgery, he or she will likely be cranky on the trip into the hospital. Stop at a convenience store and get a large Coke and a Twinkie to settle your child down.

Clothing/Makeup 

Since you will be seen by a large number of people while in our waiting room, we suggest that you dress up in your finest clothing and jewelry. Do not forget to apply a full coat of makeup, since you probably look sickly without it. If you are scheduled for a gynecological procedure be sure to wear pantyhose and a girdle. Several thicknesses of a bright nail polish will impress the surgical team with your fashion sense. And, so the admitting nurse will have no questions about your ability to pay your bill, wear every piece of jewelry you own.

Children scheduled for surgery should be dressed in the finest clothing, preferably bought just for this occasion, especially if they are going to have a tonsillectomy or tooth extraction. Large, heavy shoes with hard, sharp soles will help to keep their feet warm in the recovery room. Be sure to tie the laces in complex knots so your child cannot remove them easily.

Arrival Time

 We will give you a time when you should arrive at the hospital. However, since hospitals, like doctors’ offices, always run late, it is best to arrive at least two hours after that appointment time. This will prevent a long, boring session in our waiting room.

Diagnostic Test Results

 If your referring doctor has given you copies of any diagnostic tests he or she may have performed at their office, do not bring these with you. We have a fax machine and our secretary really enjoys calling doctors’ offices to have test results faxed over. (We don’t think she ever gets any good mail at home, so this is very exciting for her.)

Home Medications

 If you are taking any medications at home on a regular basis we would like to know about them. It is not necessary for you to know the name or your dose of these medications. Just a general description will do. For instance, you can tell us that you take half a pink football, two plain round white pills and a speckled capsule at breakfast and the rest of the pink football at bedtime. We will know exactly what you are taking since we are trained professionals and can identify all medications by their color and shape.

Past Medical/Surgical History

 It is not necessary for you to know detailed information about your medical history. Just tell us you have had “stomach trouble” or that sometime in the past, a doctor once said you had “a funny heart sound.” And, if you have ever had relatives whose surgery was canceled because they ran very high fevers after they were given anesthesia, don’t tell us or we might cancel your surgery and you will have taken a day off from work for nothing. We don’t need to know that you bleed for several hours any time you cut yourself shaving, or that you bruise easily. All surgical patients are going to bleed anyway.

You need not tell us about your surgical history. If you can’t remember whether you have had your gallbladder, appendix, uterus or ovaries removed, don’t worry. One of our favorite OR games is called “guess the surgery.” After you are asleep, we try to guess which organs you have had removed by interpreting the scars on your body. And if you can’t remember which side your hernia, breast lump, lipoma, or varicose vein is on, we will simply make an educated guess. We have a 50-50 chance of being correct.

Transportation

You will likely be given lots of narcotic and anesthetic agents while you are in surgery. After surgery, you may be drowsy or have diminished reflexes. You wouldn’t want any of your family members or friends to see you in this condition, so drive yourself to the hospital and do not make arrangements for anyone to drive you home. After all, once you get out of the city, it is a straight shot up the interstate to your house.