THE SURGEON GENERAL WARNS:

1. Never turn to your husband right after having sex and say, "I wanted to moan, but I didn't have time."

2. Never turn to your husband right after sex and say, "Go ahead, start." 

3. Never turn to your husband right after sex and say, "Was that your first time?"  

4. Never raise your hand during a hijacking to indicate that you get a kosher meal. 

5. Never threaten to punish your Dalmatian with spot remover.

6. Never hire an attorney who can discuss specific episodes of The Flintstones.

7. Never trust an Oriental dentist who sells miniature ivory animals.

8. Never ask your grandmother if you can see her will in order to determine if she's worth spending any time with.

9. Never call the White House and say that you'd like to kill the president, but you don't know when he's going to be in your area.

10. Never give a Jewish wife a choice between your heart transplant or a new house.

11. Never say to a lobster before you boil him, "Let me know if your bath is too hot."

12. Never tell an IRS auditor that if he doesn't leave you alone, you plan to cheat again next year.

13. Never celebrate Pearl Harbor Day at Benihana.

14. Never buy a pit bull to keep your poodle company.