Quips:

• Wedding Advice
• Accents
• Modern Gentleman
• Good Manners
• Hunting and Fishing
• Parties
• Playing with Food
• Running
• Women's Clothes
• Cats
• Language

Stories:

• Just Foolin' Around
• Tales of Uncle Mike
• Poisonous Junk

O'Rourke

Running

After video games, the second most popular new sport is running. This is not running in the traditional track-and-field sense or running because someone is chasing you, but an entirely new sport which consists of running from nothing to nowhere. It's truly impossible to lose at this. But an even more genteel thing about running is the polite conversation that results. Nothing is more suitable to the well-mannered modern intellect than a discussion among a group of runners:

"Well, I ran today."

"Me, too."

"I ran yesterday-three miles."

"I ran four miles today."

"I ran four miles yesterday but tomorrow I'm going to run five."

"I think I'll run four miles again tomorrow, but I might run five miles myself."

And so on.

Like the conversation it inspires, the rules of running are simple:

1. Don't run in street clothes or while carrying bags or packages-it makes you look as though you just robbed a store.

2. Women with breasts larger than their heads should use a Nautilus machine instead.

If you run more than twenty miles a week, try not to die young. It will make people snigger.

Cats