Quips:

• Wedding Advice
• Accents
• Modern Gentleman
• Good Manners
• Hunting and Fishing
• Parties
• Playing with Food
• Running
• Women's Clothes
• Cats
• Language

Stories:

• Just Foolin' Around
• Tales of Uncle Mike
• Poisonous Junk

O'Rourke

RULES FOR WOMEN'S CLOTHES

One might as well tell the tide when to rise or order quarks and leptons around inside an atom as lay down rules of decorum for female dress. Nonetheless, a few general guidelines can be posited for the aid of orphan girls being raised by male relatives, former men recuperating from sex change operations, novice transvestites, and others not fully practiced at being women.

• A woman should dress to excite. Dressing very slowly when you're late to a movie, for instance, excites husbands to a fury.

• A woman should dress to attract attention. To attract the most attention, a woman should be either nude or wearing something as expensive as getting her nude is going to be.

• Always adhere to the rules of proportion when dressing:

1. No jewelry bigger than your dog

2. No dog smaller than your purse

3. No purse larger in diagonal measurement than your waist is in circumference

4. No pants on waists larger than diagonal measurement of purse + dog + earrings

• Do not expose so much of a good body that it gives your father a heart attack.

• Do not expose so much of a bad body that it gives your husband ideas about leaving home.

Running