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O'Rourke

 

 

BRIDAL SHOWERS

 The old-fashioned shower was given by a bride's friends to provide her with practical items for housekeeping. But now that brides are all career women instead of housekeepers, they've lost any sense of the practical and go to the office every day and waste time and money just like men. Therefore the shower needs to be brought up to date.

 Perhaps a modem bride should be given a "career shower" to which all her friends would bring fascinating job offers from major corporations in cities thousands of miles away from her new husband.

 Another idea would be an "adultery shower" where the guests each bring someone the bride might like to have an affair with at work.

 

DRESS FOR THE WEDDING

 To all appearances the purpose of modern weddings is to make a mockery of traditional values. Therefore the bride should wear white unless she completely overdid it at the tanning salon and you can see her scorched butt right through the dress and it looks like a huge pumpkin.

The groom should be dressed to look as silly as he'll feel when he realizes what he's got himself into.

 

THE WEDDING RECEPTION

Wedding receptions differ according to types of excess, the type of excess being determined by religious affiliation. There is an excess of relatives at a Catholic wedding, an excess of food at a Jewish wedding, and an excess of station wagons at a Protestant wedding so that people have to park all over the grass.

Everyone should get excessively drunk at any wedding reception, although Protestants usually run out of liquor almost immediately and the men have to go in the country club locker room and get the Scotch bottles out of their golf bags in order to get as drunk as they properly should.

 

WEDDING PICTURES

 Normal professional wedding photographs are of no interest at all and you might as well steal somebody else's. They all look the same and this method is cheaper.

The really interesting stuff that happens at weddings never gets photographed-though it might be fun to try. Hire someone with a Minox to circulate unobtrusively among the guests. See how many of the following shots he can get:

  • Bridesmaids who've lost their underwear

  • Children under fifteen throwing up from champagne

  • Old men who get erections dancing with the bride

  • Groom's father taking a leak in the potted plant

  • Examples of how rental tuxedos fit in the seat

  • Fight over whether groom will take golf clubs on honeymoon

Et cetera.

 

 WEDDING TOASTS

 The first toast to the bride should come from the best man, who is expected to avoid complimenting her on her skill in bed, at least in so many words. Remember that brides are not supposed to be congratulated. Congratulate the groom instead; it's probably the last occasion you'll have to do so until the divorce. Toasts should go on until the men have to go to the locker room and get the Scotch bottles out of their golf bags. Do not throw the glasses into the fireplace if it's more than forty feet away.

 

 

 

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