|
|
23 WAYS TO BE OFFENSIVE AT THE FUNERAL OF SOMEONE YOU DIDN'T LIKE
by Ed Bluestone
1 Offer $10,000 to the person who can draw the best mustache on the deceased. 2 Stick peace-sign decals all over the coffin. 3 Congratulate the deceased parents on outliving him. 4 Listen to the baseball game on a transistor radio and react loudly to every pitch. 5 Start telling the widow an old army story about you, the deceased, and two girls in Shanghai. 6 Keep asking everyone if they saw the previous evening’s Johnny Carson show. 7 Keep remarking that you’re having a good time, but Louis Armstrong did have Peggy Lee at his funeral. 8 Stand around at the cemetery saying, “At least now he’ll no longer be tormented over being impotent.” 9 Tell everyone that they can either stay at the funeral or come over to your house and see something terrific involving a belly dancer and a Great Dane. 10 Stand up at the funeral service and announce that you’ve purchased a new car. 11 Show up at the cemetery in swim trunks, diving mask, and flippers and announce that you’re going swimming right after the funeral. 12 Walk up to the casket and start comparing the size of the deceased’s clothes to your own. 13 Show up at the cemetery with your Doberman pinscher, and just as the casket is being lowered have him play dead. 14 Stay home and call the funeral parlor saying that the deceased has just won the state lottery, but since he’s dead the money goes to the Defense Department. 15 Immediately after the eulogy, stand up and propose to the widow. 16
Tell the clergyman that the deceased was a vampire and ask if you can drive a stake through his heart. 17 Pass out baby pictures of the deceased. 18 Shake the widow’s hand with an electric buzzer. 19 Have representatives of the eye hank show up, say they’re too late, and demand the widow’s eyes. 20 Show up at the cemetery masqueraded as the deceased. 21
Show up at the cemetery masqueraded as the widow and claim that she’s a phony. 22 On the way home from the cemetery, tell the widow that you’re not sure, but you think that you saw the body move. 23 The day after the funeral, send the widow a candygram from the deceased.
|
||
|
|
|||
