Offensive at a Funeral Part 1

Offensive at a Funeral Part 2

Fifteen New Ways to

Be Offensive at a Wedding

 by Ed Bluestone

I

Show up with a baby and claim he belongs to the newlyweds.

2

Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet.

3

Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex-change operation.

4

Tell the bride that the only reason you can look at her is that you used to be a proctologist.

5

Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate to a drug rehabilitation clinic.

6

As you move down the receiving line, spit on each person.

7

Propose a toast to the bride's nose job.

8

Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so that no one can tell who they came from.

9

Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.

10

After the bride throws her garter start people chanting, "Throw your bra .... Throw your bra..."

11

Tell people that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out.

12

Tell the rabbi there's no money to pay him, and ask if he'll settle for shtupping the bride.

13

Assure the bride's mother that the groom is "hung like a horse."

14

Return a bra which the bride left in your car.

15

When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the pianist out of the way and start playing "The Lady Is a Tramp."