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HOW TO TRY AND ENJOY EATING IN A FANCY RESTAURANT by Gahan Wilson
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1. It isn’t easy trying to enjoy eating in a fancy restaurant; it’s not even easy finding them, because they only have teeny signs so people like you will pass them by.
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2. Then their doormen tend to concentrate on regular patrons, so you should be prepared for a few initial rebuffs.
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3. You will notice, as you hand your coat and hat over to the girl in the checkroom, that they look much dirtier and shabbier than you remembered.
4. The owner, who you have just seen warmly greet several patrons, will leave hurriedly so as not to have to stand close to you. It's nothing personal; it's just that he doesn't like your type.
5. The maitre d' will walk you hurriedly past the better tables, but this is just as well, since nobody in that area would be able to bear being near you.
6. If he tends to lead you away from those parts of the restaurant lit by electricity, you may not have been sufficiently generous in his initial tip...
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7. ......and if you find yourself being placed in an area where the clientele are no longer able to clearly enunciate their pleas for service, be prepared to give him at least twice what you pressed on him at the entrance at once.
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9. It probably won't take you long to realize your waiter is indifferent, but if you keep repeating your order in a firm, clear tone, he will in time write it down and even take it to the kitchen and have it filled.
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10. It is probably best not even to try to talk to the busboy.
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11. If the wine the waiter has selected for you comes out of the bottle in little clots, it will probably best contribute to the enjoyment of the rest of your meal by being left strictly alone.
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12. An incompetent waiter can often be gotten rid of by having him prepare dangerously spectacular dishes, such as duck with flaming cherries....
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13 .... even though his replacement may be equally disappointing.
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14. Attempt to take the check as calmly as possible, in order to avoid strokes and other seizures.
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15. And remember as you leave that whatever has actually happened at the restaurant is not the important thing at all; what counts is the effect your having been there will have on those of your friends and loved ones who have been too timid to try it out for themselves.
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8.
True, you may not find yourself placed in the
most desirable sector– out of town
conventioneers and U. N. representatives from
obscure third world nations are a tip-off you
are not– but you should constantly hope that
things will work out for the best.
