Sea disasters have a way of happening in the most unsuitable weather. And it could be for this reason that crews made nervous by the high waves behave in a singularly disconcerting manner, especially those of nationalities without a great seafaring tradition to uphold. Some of these ruffians have been known to come on deck after rifling first class staterooms to commandeer the lifeboats exclusively for themselves. And don’t be surprised if you see kitchen hands mounting the davits stretching your good woman’s diamond bracelets over their wrists while waving a magnum of crystal brut champagne in one fist and gnawing on a chunk of smoked salmon held in the other.

It is quite understandable that no matter who you are, when a ship is sinking, folk want off with a degree of speed commonly referred to as in a hurry. Adding to this distress is the lack of the ship’s company’s diligence to the usual protocol and courtesy shown first class passengers. Especially now when this is most needed in the face of cabin and tourist type voyagers invading precincts reserved strictly for first class. So do please be prepared for these previous people to behave just as if their lives were absolutely as important as those traveling in the top privileged condition. It is further quite disconcerting when you remonstrate with those clearly elevated up from the bowels of the ship and making merry free in one’s luxurious preserves when they answer you with.

"It’s everyman for himself, squire."

However, in such emergency, the casual if not boorish regard paid to you from the more plebeian members of the vessel’s passenger list, although it often leaves much to be desired, should under no circumstances be the cause of your losing your perspective in providing for your own survival and that of your loved ones. And you may even venture to employ the otherwise forbidden behaviour of rudeness expected is to be rudeness given and simply shoulder these clodhoppers out of the way.

Nevertheless make it a habit as you leave your stateroom to always take with you a few fistfuls of your more excitingly enticeful valuables. These are awful handy up on deck in the milling and melee when it may be necessary to bargain your way into a lifeboat past a bunch of vintage wine consuming seaport hardened cut throats. It is no joke that a small pouch of uncut diamonds cuts the most ice for this purpose. Especially as you can whisper a description of the contents to your adversary and it won’t make you look as crass as the whole slew of folk tendering outright handfuls of vulgar ready cash which even at that moment may be being critically devalued on some international bourse. With the ill luck attendant at such times this whole scene is bound to be during dinner and if so, your evening clothes and natural silk shirt will help vouch for the genuineness of the pouch’s contents. And it is a wise precaution to be continually splendidly attired at sea.

Some of the most wretched and heartrending moments of human trial however, have taken place in the wee hours of the morning following the alarm to abandon ship. Again it must be stressed that your clothing should at all times give immediate recognition to your haughty particularity. Your choice of bed wear therefore, must be most meticulous. Attiring yourself in a half arsed manner when you think you are out of sight simply will not do. You will of course see others in slipshod sleeping garments revealing their true and perhaps humbler status than the superior one they were pretending while playing bridge. And to you this display of tattiness should not matter. For as a person of finer feelings there is no doubt as to where your duty lies and social distinctions should not be imposed where children, mothers and other ladies’ lives are concerned. Should you suffer any momentary hesitation in this respect, forcefully remind yourself that it is simply not on to save your own neck while ignoring the desperate pleas and cries of help from those weaker and beseeching the safety of the lifeboats. If a ruffian is barring the way use strong words.

"Remove yourself you bounder, before I strike you."

"Take it easy on the apoplexy pops and you won’t get hurt."

Under no circumstances let this kind of riposte deter you. It is understandable that only a minute or two previous, you may have been relaxing in the clubby atmosphere of the captain’s quarters following dinner on the veranda deck and now over port and cigars you are enthralling a specially selected group of your fellow first class traveling mates with a rollicking yarn over which the ship’s chief engineer is hammering his knees in helpless laughter. At that moment back there all the world was yours. Precipitated, savoured and enjoyed as only a vessel underway on the high seas can make it. And now rushing in a fuss in your life jacket which the captain himself chucked to you, you confront at nearly every turn of the corridor some son of a bitch escaped up out of steerage with a bottle of Napoleon brandy to his lips having a whale of a time as he sinks his unsavoury lunch hooks into the elegance of other people’s property. This is only the beginning of the heinousness so steel yourself.

If you have no knowledge of seafaring ways the ship’s officers especially those of the higher ranks must be looked to at this time for guidance. They will issue you with instructions and if necessary assign you appropriate duties befitting any well known responsibilities you may have held in your terra firma station in life. But don’t think because of this, that you know it all. As the ship lists you may start directing your upper class passengers to run appropriately to the highest side and there enjoy this privileged area. It is in this blind pursuit of elite supremacy that many of your patrician folks drown. Plus you look pretty stupid and sheepish with the bunch of your exalted gullibles marooned standing suspended high on a forlorn bulge of hull. Which at its present angle of elevation will make a head busting distance for you all to dive from.

Be mindful also in encountering embarrassment in having to take on your authoritative position. People with whom you have established a passing recognition if not a friendship of happy equality over quoits and backgammon may take it upon themselves to absolutely ignore your commands and rush past lifebelted and clutching their emeralds as if they had never seen you before. Don’t hesitate to take action.

"Madam. Stop."

"Who the hell are you suddenly telling me to stop."

"Madam I have for the benefit of passengers’ safety been put in

authority by the executive officer and there also happens to be a

celebrity gold star next to my name on the passenger list."

"Well the purser has put me in possession of this famous

make of pistol from my safety deposit box and I hope there’ll

be a rest in peace next to your name after I shoot you."

Such unthoroughbred behaviour is deeply troubling but should not be taken personally. Not everyone is able in times of stress to adhere to the simple niceties. Especially ocean voyaging dowagers with vast private incomes. In any case ladies carrying pistols do not need your assistance as a firearm is a great aid in securing a place in a lifeboat. And the one this lady is about to board you would do well to keep out of.